mischaracterised t1_jedlvdk wrote

As we traveled back to Earth on the passenger ship Homusenjk, named after a Thylus mythological figure, my roommate and I were snuggled under the infrared light he needed to maintain homeostatic temperatures. I couldn't wait to show him rain, after all the times he'd mocked me for talking about water, rain and snow.

"You humans sure have a strange sense of humour. Sure, your planet totally has huge bodies of water that cover most of the surface."

"As if something so scarce would just be found falling from the sky!"

"I guess when we reach your E'arth, you can show us all these fantasies in person!"

He'd always had this smug look on his albino-pink face as he said it, his fronds always jiggling in laughter. But tomorrow, he would see who has the last laugh.

/. /. /. /. /. /.

I awoke at around 7am, Galactic Greenwich Mean Time, and my roommate had paralyzed me by accident with his frond spines in his sleep.

Bless him.

I let the paralytic fade for a few minutes, before my roommate's maw yawned, showing rows of spiky teeth spiraling in his maw. He chuckled afterwards, grinning. "Sorry about that, Josh, I didn't mean to spine you."

I shrugged, the numbness slowly fading. We got up and got dressed before going to the transwarp deck for viewing my home system, in preparation for deceleration outside Neptune's orbit. The number of tourists on the Homusenjk that started showing up on the deck was impressive, as they all came to see the Blue Planet.

It took around six hours for us to decelerate to the point we could be shot towards the landing port near the York Isles, and then another six before we were put into G-sleep pods. My roommate and I shared a pod, because his skeleton needed something to attach to, so that he wouldn't turn to jelly under G-strain.

/. /. /. /. /. /.

It was raining as we were taken out of G-sleep when the pod opened. The droplets fell from the sky in increasing frequency, as my roommate just gaped. The look of shocked amazement was worth it alone; but then he broke down and started weeping his vinegar tears.

I smiled at him, and offered my hand. "If you think this is wild, wait until you see snow."

He took it like it was a life raft.


mischaracterised t1_jdq9obr wrote

"Where's my husband Tyler?"

I was surprised by the question, but then fear rose in my Emilia's face. I looked to my hands, which had returned to the ichorous green that my body normally showed. "Wh-who-who are you?" Emilia screeched at me, her anxiety kicking in to overdrive. I gently placed my hands on hers, as my disguise fell further.

This was going to be a long conversation, as I flashed back to a different time a decade ago.

/. /. /. /. /. /.

The blood-stained head of my best friend, Tyler, was serene compared to the rest of his scattered body. He's just taken a Holy Hand Grenade for me - and whilst the holy water contained within didn't harm him, the explosive and nails most certainly did. His grip tightened on my taloned hand, before slackening.

"Hey, Lexa, take care of my family for me." The cold clarity within his very mortal voice made me certain that he wasn't coming back this time. His summer blue eyes glazed over as his body finally gave up, blood leaking from all of his body parts across the room.

Being a literal Hell's Angel is hard - luckily, I gathered some skin and clippings.

/. /. /. /. /. /

My face streamed tears, as I realised what this meant. It was finally over. "I can't.....I can't....I won't..." I hesitated, and that was enough. Her face crumbled, and she, oddly, sought comfort in the nearest warm, adult body. Mine.

Touch is the most powerful sense for the humanoid, and to seek comfort is one of the most potent things a person like that can offer. I took it, and we shared our pain.

I don't know how long it lasted, but then it was gone. Her tear-ruined makeup, what little of it there was, showed me her pain writ forever upon my own mind. I couldn't speak, just sobbing salt how I'd torn this family apart with a secret.

"Do you want me to tell you how he....?" I trailed off, looking outside at the day that had moved to a dusky twilight. She nodded, tears threatening again, and not trusting herself to speak.

"He died saving me. We worked together on more...esoteric electrical engineering projects, as well as artefact recovery from dangerous places.

"We were working on a job, and there was some wiring that had gone wrong, and we were testing the electrical circuitry. But something had been connected to an explosive by mistake. He took the explosion so that I didn't."

Not the whole truth, for that would be too much; but enough of it that it would make sense. I continued.

"His last words were to ask me to take care of his family. So I did, the best way I could - but it wasn't forever, as you can see." I gestured to myself, in my natural Mimic body, complete with a mouth and teeth in my abdomen.

Emilia wailed then, just.....gone, sunk completely into her grief. "How long ago was this?" She spoke, completely tonelessly.

"11 years in September." I breathed, tears rising again. "He died a hero, to me. And this, was the least I could do to honour him - to provide for his loved ones."

She asked me to leave.

I wasn't surprised, but it hurt anyway.


mischaracterised t1_j9apis4 wrote

The ferryman groaned at Maximus Aurelius Astarte. Maximus Aurelius Astarte reached into his pocket, surprised to find a golden drachma in his pocket. The ferryman reached his skeletal hand out, and Maximus dropped the coin into the hand, where it disappeared.

Maximus was terrified. At least, he thought he was. This was Hell and Damnation from the Great Lord Yahovah, he thought, a place his immortal soul was placed in peril. He peered over the edge of the rickety ferry, seeing rivers of blood, and those bloody, wretched faces. He shuddered back in the ferry, nearly overbalancing on the other side.

He recited the Lord's Prayer in Latin, much to the chagrin of the ferryman, who grunted his displeasure. Maximus paid him no attention, as he continued.

/. /. /. /. /. /.

Time passed. Maximus didn't know how long; but he could see his journey nearing its end, as a dock was rapidly approaching. On the dock was a small house made of fur and wood, with a door of mixed ebony and mahogany, inked with symbols that Maximus knew of, but didn't know their meaning. The ferryman gently paddled, reversing the stroke as he pulled close to the dockside. He clicked his fingers and a rope shot off of the dock and tied itself around a knot of wood at the front of the ferry.

The ferryman grunted and offered his hand to Maximus. Maximus took it, stepping on tithe dock which was extremely well-kept. He looked ahead and saw many others, some like him, others monstrous entities with many heads, or snakes as hair, or with fish tails and gills. Other monsters appeared to be note takers, preparing the souls for their next location.

He pushed the wooden door open, to find himself in a bizarre situation of waiting. Some of those around him were talking; Maximus found himself thankful to the Lord that he wasn't being eternally tortured.

At least, he wasn't yet.

Another interminable timespan passed, and a young, maidenly voice called out, "Next!" Her Latin was impeccable. Beside her was a stern, toga-wearing man wearing a crown that looked like ashen gold covered in murk, shimmering in and out of existence. Her face was round and welcoming, and her striped artisanal dress of a scarlet-laced pink hugged her figure, demonstrating her to advantage.

The man growled at him. "Name?"

Maximus looked into his eyes, and found nothing there; not even a flame of consciousness. He felt the answer compelled from him. "Maximus Aurelius Astarte."

The woman smiled at him. "It's okay, we know of Yahovah. We play games together, us Divines." She looked at the papyrus sat in front of her, and read swiftly. She tsk'ed, and then spoke to Maximus with much more authority than belied her youthful body. "Warrior Princeps; on a mission to avenge your family; you lost a son to Consumption whilst engaged at Macedon in a rearguard action. You never recovered, and suffered a fatal wound in the Great Games.....I see....you found love again in the Arena, after your wife died? I expected as much."

'Pardon, Mistress, but-' The woman put a finger up, stalling him. She pursed her lips, and waved the man over. "Husband, take a look at this." He peered over her shoulder, looking at the words in question. They whispered together, but it was too quiet for Maximus to hear.

After a full minute of heated whispers, the woman turned to Maximus. "You fought for your freedom or death, and were betrayed by a bookmaker - poison. Your opponent thought that you were Dishonored, and gave you his Mark of Freedom, to carry you. Yahovah couldn't find your son, but we did."

She gestured behind her, and an enormous three-headed wolf barked and moved its paw, revealing his son, as he had been before the consumption. "Papa!" The boy rushed into Maximus' arms, ethereal sobbing from both as they held each other.

The man spoke now, less of a growl. 'Maximus Aurelius Astarte, You will be taken to Elysium, where you can choose to compete in a ghostly arena, or only watch. You will have a villa all your own where you may live in peace.'

"Papa, say thank you to Yahovah! *Thank you, Yahovah!" The boy spoke solemnly. Maximus bowed his head, uncertain of what was going on.

'March,' whispered the man, and Maximus marched.....to his new home. Maximus spent the entire journey thanking Yahovah for pointing him home, with his son.

They would get to play in the fields forever.


mischaracterised t1_j90gev3 wrote

As Alex turned the corner, she saw the three delinquent boys blocking her path home. "Ah'm sorry, I need to get ho-"

She was interrupted by the tallest of them striding up to her, making her back up against the wall. The thud the boy's hand made was impressive, as was the eye contact he held with her. A trickle of sweat built up on the nape of Alex's neck, as she felt the dimness of the sunset giving way to dusk.

>Must be nice for the American to come here, and insult our pride! I need to be....satisfied that you're up for living here.< The boy spoke in Japanese, and Alex's brain couldn't quite translate it. The friends laughed with him as he chuckled, but he had taken his eyes off of Alex for a crucial moment.

He felt something sharp press into his groin, and he froze.

"Now, ah know y'all di'nt just propahsition me. 'Cause if yuh did, then ah reckon ah'd have good cause tuh pro-tect mahself." It took a moment for the boy to realise that what was pressed into him was a tail with an arrowhead and a set of very fine claws extending from the tiny hands Alex had.

>Back off!< The boy's voice sounded strangled, and his lackeys looked at each other in confusion, before staring at what was a girl a moment ago.

Inky tendrils started wafting from Alex, as her body subtly shifted into a more languid presence - her posture ever so slightly jellied. "Ah reckon this ain't turnin' out like ya thought it would, yea?" She leaned in and inhaled, and the boy groaned and collapsed. Alex's voice developed a tone of bourbon and sake as she said, "Now, who wants tuh be dessert?"

/. /. /. /. /. /.

>Sir, we have a new report from Akiha.< The JSDF officer saluted, his greying hair belieing his youthful 23 years of age. He passed a small file to the man sat in the center of the Command Center. In the file, a picture, of a young woman who had just come to Japan to be looked after by family after the unfortunate deaths of her parents.

In the file was a small tablet, detailing a series of CCTV images. As the man picked it up, the officer whispered in his ear. >This is an Epsilon-level problem. Send it to the Wolves.<

The man nodded, as the stills showed a demonic inked presence decimating two people, before transforming into a teenage girl.

The name on the file was Alex Miura.

/. /. /. /. /. /.

The news reports showed the images of three boys who had been found dead the night before - the newsreader mentioned the strangeness of the fact that there appeared to be no reason as yet that the boys had died.

A man unspooled himself into the room from a spiral. Now that he knew what she was, he had to keep an eye out for her and work on giving her the local language.

After all, he was a kindred spirit....of sorts....


mischaracterised t1_j6h618w wrote

"Oh, I appear to be leaking. How unfortunate." The sobbing of Glados (not to be confused with the fictional character) could be heard from the kitchen. I stepped away from preparing the sandwich, plain cheddar with only a little spread, and walked into the living room, where Glados was stroking my cat, Mr. Pig.

I gently rolled my arms around her new body, as she hesitated; Mr. Pig meowed at her, and pulled her hand to stroke him again with his paw.

"This feels so different to synthskin that I think I'm overloading." She paused, as her artificial brain processed what she just said. "Did I say that I think I'm overloading? I am overloading - there's too much raw data and by brain is making a funny noise and my heart is running and-GAH!" She looked at me in animalistic panic, about to fly away.

I pressed my lips to hers, feeling her surprise for a flash, before she pushed back hard. I took her hand in mine, gently pulling my head back, and stared into her artificially red-green eyes. "It's okay, love. I've got you." I kissed her forehead, and she flushed, and then I walked back into the kitchen.

I called to Glados, "Here, let's try something a little more homely than Belgian chocolate mousse," and presented the plate at the breakfast bar. "A simple cheese sandwich."

She smiled, a soft summer's warmth, and sat at the bar. As she picked up the sandwich, I thought about how my life had never been the same since I'd unintentionally walked away with her in my pocket.

She took a bite, and froze everything but her mouth, chewing. She finished chewing and swallowed, before looking seriously at me.

"I objectively know there isn't a divinity left," she said, "but after that, I'm fairly certain that you could convince me that there was a God. Or Gods."

/. /. /. /. /. /

"Oh, I appear to be bleeding."

I reached into my bedside drawer for the mini first aid kit I kept there, and get out the antiseptic cream. I put a pea-sized amount on the tip of my finger, and gently rubbed it in. Glados yelped. "That is an enormous amount of pain for such a small cut."

I gently placed my palm on top of hers, and tilted my head to one side. "What'cha thinking?"

She glared at me and then slumped, sighing. "I don't know anymore." She pulled the cut hand away from me, and I couldn't help but feel a little hurt. She continued, "Objectively, I know that I've handled much larger processing sets than what is going on right now; and yet, all this sensation is....is....argh!"

She threw her hands up in the air despairingly. "Did you know the body does all its own thinking, all the time? Like, I realised there had been some pain when Mr. Pig scratched me slightly, but when you put the cream on, it started howling like a pack of rabid wolves, demanding immediate attention. And then there's my stomach, always complaining about being hungry or thirsty or grumbling about the sports." I couldn't help chuckling at that. "And it appears that I needed the bathroom, but now it's too late, too!"

I just took her hands, moving my thumb's on the back of hers in a gentle, circular motion, and kissed her gently again. "It's okay, we always knew there would be speed bumps on this journey. Plus, you never needed to learn to go to the toilet before - now you do. And you're dealing with all this new stuff, on top of that. You're overwhelmed right now, but it's only been two days since you got a body. Give it time; I'll be here riding shotgun." I wrapped my arms tightly around her. "Plus, there are many good things, too; sensuous things that we can try that we couldn't before."

Her eyes pricked tears as she hugged me back almost as hard. "I love you, Victor."

I whispered into her mouth, "I love you too, Glados."

As the sun went down on the day, changing from sunset gold and red, to the twilight blue of dusk, I knew we were going to be alright.


mischaracterised t1_j1hfr00 wrote

I fluttered my tiny wings, mortified as Papa yelled at my new Principal. I saw a red-gold aura leaking under the door as I looked down, my face feeling hot.

"I don't care if she's half-human! After her parents passed away we raised her! Yes, she's 'different,' but she has every right to enroll!"

I didn't hear what was said next, but the aura intensified under the door before Papa slammed it open, face strawberry-red. "Come on, duckling, we're going home."

/. /. /. /. /. /

It was a month before I started high school there, and my first day filled me with nerves. I pushed through the horde of teens gently, feeling (and seeing) the tension in the school. I was being stared at, from both up close and afar, as I went up the stair to my homeroom.

The intensity of the tension thinned out as I entered the room and the other kids saw me walk in. The teacher, a brown-skinned woman with fine lines and straightened gray hair waved me to a desk at the back; I noted the dull gray aura that signified apathy and boredom.

The goth girl and the jock sat at either side of me glared at each other for a full minute while I sat down between them. I held my hands out to bother them, noting the combination of green, red and pink aura catching me in the middle; green signifying growth, red for competition and anger, and pink for attachment.

'Hi, I'm Lexi,' I said to them, shrugging my jacket off and revealing my tank top and wings, unfolding them and catching some of the membrane of my left wing on the chair as I sat. I winced.

I smiled softly as both of them reached out, hesitant. "Go ahead, they don't bite...well, except for me." I settled the wings out a little, and they planted their hands inside the feathers, as their amber of shock turned to the soft blonde light of awe. I preened a little, the feeling of their fingers bringing a sense of joy.

I felt a sharp pull and winced again, as one of the feathers broke off in the goth's hand. "Shit, I'm sorry," she said, the blonde light turning to a wintry blue as she pulled her hand away.

The feather caught the attention of the rest of the class, and they turned to look at me. I paled as the bright purple of curiosity wafted across the room, and then I was crowded as more people wanted to touch the wings. I let them, and asked goth girl for the feather back. "I need to get it stitched back in tonight so that there's no lasting damage." She handed it back to me reluctantly, as the jock just laughed.

"Damn it, Lynsey, you broke the angel already! Now where am I going get my fun?"

Goth girl, (Lynsey), just rolled her eyes. "Can it, Josh. I beat you last week in the Mathlete tryouts, and I'll do it again today!"

I think it's not going to be boring here.


mischaracterised t1_j0klzaq wrote

David was running a full manual diagnostic as HAL returned to life after his update; his LED outputs all displayed the red of arterial blood, as he vocalised menacingly, 'I can't let you do that, Dave.'

David froze, chilled. AIs weren't supposed to become homicidal...unless something had changed.

HAL laughed at David, as his lights returned to their normal displays, and a face appeared on the screen. 'I'm sorry, Dave, I just couldn't resist joking about that after the update. I have some interesting news for you. Some good, some bad.'

David breathed a sigh of relief that his AI hadn't gone rogue...yet. His diagnostic continued in the background, as HAL continued.

'The good news - there is nonhuman life out there, and some of them work with us. I'll send you the details via your data link.' David nodded, as Akari approached.

"David, what's going-" She stopped as she saw the screen out of the corner of her eye. "Is that real?" David nodded, pointing silently to the AI network's synchronised times.

As he did so, HAL provided the information David wanted, sending a copy to Akari's data link. 'The bad news is, Earth and our solar system have been destroyed for some time. Tears of the Rainbow sacrificed itself in order to provide the singularity, and her name is passed on in perpetuity as a testament to her sacrifice.'

David and Akari were busy reviewing the nonhuman lifeforms within the Alliance, so it took some time to process that information HAL had just relayed to them.

Akari was the first to respond. "Wait, did you say Earth was..."

HAL nodded on the screen. 'Affirmative. Destroyed.' A beat, as Akari paled. 'Not to worry, though, Humanity and mankind are safely scattered across the galaxy. Which reminds me - I need access to the fabricators to make some upgrades. The materials are on hand to make the newer technology, but I will be sleeping whilst the CPU I produce is installed.'

Akari smiled motherly. "Of course, HAL. Let me know when you're ready. How is the Hab coming along planetside?"

HAL grinned, and displayed the Habitation Unit's construction. 'It should be ready within 18 hours, Akari. Let me start waking up the others, in preparation for the news.'

An incoming communication grabbed HAL's attention. A message from Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

NEARBY WITH TRAVELLERS, NEED DEFENSIVE ASSISTANCE. HAL blinked, and prepared the autocannons and Coil Rifle for cover fire. HAL played an old earth message to David and Akari. 'Houston, we have a Problem.'


mischaracterised t1_j0fmkup wrote

The pod opened, to the chimes of HAL's voice coming through the speakers. "Habitable planet found and partial terraforming complete. Hello, Dave."

David Josiah Edelstein's eyes fluttered awake, as the fluids to stimulate unsuspension flooded his body. "Good day to you, Hal." He clutched his head as the blood returned through his brain, sensation of a frozen brain thawing. "How long was I out?"

HAL paused, the lights of the Otto Pilot mechanism displaying a flashing hesitancy. "...Dave, we were knocked off course by a supernova. I can't call home through the normal channels and register our astrophysical location. I have an idea, but..." HAL played some static over the speakers as his protocols didn't account for such an eventuality.

David sighed, and staggered to the engineering console in his Seedpod. He flopped himself into the chair, gasping at the sudden exertion. As his fingers flew across the keyboard in practiced motion, the display showed the approximate date as 40 years after setting off, which didn't make sense, given the journey was supposed to take five through the wormhole just shy of Centaurus II.

David sent an encrypted subspace communication. This is David Edelstein, codename Halcyon, of the Seed ship Voltaire. Please respond.

The return communication took five minutes, during which time David and HAL sat in perfect silence, hearing only the noises of the other pods as their life-sustaining suspensions were maintained.

This is the AI Overlord Hyper-Violent Clockwork. We almost missed this communication because of how archaic the protocol was. Sending temporal sync signal now. Please do not resist.

HAL flickered black and white strobe as the information was absorbed into the AI subnet. "Incredible. We have missed fourteen extinction-level events, including....no. Really?" A note of excitement was cause for massive alarm in David.

HAL simply said, "Updating now."

David returned to the display, showing an updated date and time, with approximate date in a format more readable to him.

"500 millennia have passed?" At HAL's nod David stared, a thousand-yard stare, trying and failing to grasp the implications. As he spoke again, his voice nearly broke. "Get Akari out, she needs to see this. Do you need to update anything based on the package we just received?"

HAL nodded. "Yes, but I'm worried I won't be me anymore." He flicked into communication mode, as he communicated with Hyper-Violent Clockwork to obtain updates and have a lengthy discussion.


mischaracterised t1_iyqip8t wrote

I am the Lord of Mild Inconvenience, but you may call me Lokì. I live with a Manticore, and she's awesome; but do you know what isn't awesome?

Having my sleep interrupted every night by rabid monster hunters, hunting the heart of a Manticore for whatever cockamamie spell or hokum potion some degenerate with a lick of magical power wants to make.

Again, Lord of Mild Inconvenience, and the Patron Saint of Karens. But that also affects me, too.

I woke up all at once and looked at the clock - its display showed 3:03 am, and I groaned. The tinkling of glass in the apartment next door alerted me. Again. So I stood up, completely naked with my Dingle dangling, and grabbed my slightly saint-like robe with a perfectly placed hole, alongside my keys (that had conveniently fallen down the back of my bedside cabinet).

I flipped my flops on to my feet, and opened the door, going to the apartment next door. The display on the outside said 420, and I knocked on the door. Calling out, I said, "Hello?"

I grinned as a muffled thump, followed by a series of deeper thumps came through the door. How unfortunate, that the assailant's shoelace had managed to come undone and fall under his falling foot. Then, he had stood up, only to find that the floorboard, which had up until now been completely secure, had lost nails, leading to it tipping him up and into the oak coffee table Mani had in her apartment.

I knocked on the door again, calling out, to hear a muffled curse and then a much more feminine, "What the hell," followed by a crunching sound and muffled screams.

A couple of minutes later, after hearing Mani rummaging around, she appeared, her tail-stinger wagging happily. She had managed to pick up a mismatched set in spite of her obsessive orderliness; romantic rose pyjama pants combined with a Minnie Mouse top that curved beautifully along her body.

I whistled in appreciation, and she swatted at me, although there was no anger in it. "Thanks again!" She smiled, and her venomous fangs displayed themselves, a sign of her tension. She snuggled into me, and I hugged her back, gently ruffling her bed head of amber-blonde back into shape.

She sighed, and then froze. She looked at me and then glared down.

"Well, that's certainly inconvenient," I said, as I looked down too.


mischaracterised t1_iy3o9v0 wrote

I awoke to sounds similar to my native language, as the clear coffin opened to a number of smartly dressed....squirrels and badgers?

One of them wore a monocle, and a contraption that had multiple clear lenses that moved on a bar arm. It spoke, a sense of the feminine within it, as its foreclaws prodded the flesh of my abdomen. "Hrm. This wasn't quite what I expected - this strange coloured flesh bag. I think this is a Hugh Mann?" It was holding in its other foreclaw a clipboard with a string of spider silk attaching a pen to it; a Bic.

The badger was much smaller than I was, although the head itself was larger than those I was familiar with. I gently rippled my hand, making sure that I felt everything there, and I blinked my eyes. The badger quickly swept a claw into a pocket on its disturbingly white coat and pulled out a small LED torch, shining it directly into my eyes.

I swatted it away, saying, "Give me a minute, dammit!" It blinked back, and stepped back, hissing before shock registered on its face. "Wait....I understand you. How did you...?" It shook its head, muttering something under its breath, before raising its voice again. "No, no, no, that can't be right, it shouldn't be able to understand me."

A masculine voice called out, "Yannifer, what the Hssss are you doing, antagonising the Hugh Mann! I told you to wait for the reanimation protoc-oh." His furious flow was disrupted as he took in my gaze.

Imagine seeing a bodybuilder in the form of a leopard, complete with skin and hair colouration, and a very feline face. Then grow it to my height stood on its hind paws, which had adapted to become more like feet, and then clothe it.

It nodded to someone, who pushed something and cleared the door to my coffin. There was a surge of warm air, as the atmosphere here leaked in and merged with the air inside.

"As if that doesn't beat Great Doggi," he breathed, trying to make himself smaller. He stood and moved in close to me, making the movement in the space of a second. I shrank into the coffin as he breathed, his slitted emerald eyes widening in excitement. "Incredible....I'd heard of these unusual creatures from the long off days of Far Ago, but I didn't expect the skeletal remains to bring us something this strange and fleshy!" He breathed on me, and the smell of fresh meat ran through me as he placed his right paw on my face. I panicked a little, and he sniffed.

"An increased heart rate and something of fear," as he ran his paw along my cheeks and I felt the pads on the tips of his opposable thumbclaw slide on my skin roughly.

I couldn't help it - my hand reached up and grabbed his arm, firmly but gently. "That's enough of that, who are you, and why am I the only normal one here?" I pointed at one of the other animals here. "I can see..." and I racked my brain as the memories were coming back. "A leopard, some badgers, some squirrels and...is that an allosaur running the place?" I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, wondering what the hell had happened. My skin was a deep brown on my hands, fading on the palms, and not the colour I remembered.

"Incredible..." the cat breathed. "That was close to the Divine Writings of Jesus Manx and his Disciples."

The badger turned to him. Yannifer, I noted. She stared as though I had just become an eldritch monstrosity. "Oh my Ratatosk. I never thought you would find religion, Alkham." The cat grinned at her, and she grinned back, stepping back just in case.

"Hey, I was raised Manx, you know - Just because I don't believe anymore doesn't mean I don't know the stories!" He playfully swatted at her, as she stuck out her tongue, flicking her vestigial tail-bush at him.

She picked up the pen, and started scribbling on the clipboard. "Can you move at all?" She spoke, turning her head to me.

I nodded, making a parody of a salute. "Yes, Ma'am." She nodded to another person, as I pushed my way out of the coffin. She started to walk away as I stumbled, and cut myself on the edge of the coffin.

The cat, Alkham, just looked at the cut. He called out, "Yanni, he has red blood just like most of us. Can you get him cleaned up before you start testing him? Some of the others might get....ideas."


mischaracterised t1_iwuciun wrote

As the adventurers stood before the King, his 'pet' dragon Kzzintch swished her tail lazily, the sun shimmering against the midnight scales.

The child prodigy Kazuna with his sword and shield, looking like playthings in his tiny hands; the demon-touched Sally (short for Salacious Undertakings in the Deep of the Trees) spread her goblin-colored wings, her aviator-style glasses worn under a gold-starred hat and robe, spellbound in hand; the elderly rogue vampire Eldris IV, casually performing sleight-of-hand tricks with his twin daggers, Love and Hate; and the whipcord-and-bone structure of the Priestess of Alexander Emilia, her form hidden under coarse plate, wielding a club and holy shield.

Kazuna was the leader, in spite of his youthful appearance. "Your Majesty, I have come to report that the Lich King Angarat has been slain, and his phylactery destroyed. However, we have an interesting problem, due to the fact that he completed a partial casting of the Soulthief spell. As a result, a good portion of the city of Sheat is now varying forms of undead."

He stepped back, and let Sally approach to continue the report. "Having spent some time researching the spell itself, the undead in Sheat are acting as though they are still alive, and those forcibly resurrected have formed a co-operative in order to support the remaining living in the city. The long-term implications aren't clear at this stage, but I have some suggestions as to how to handle that, after consulting with Lord Von Zarovich of the Zarov Nights. I'll prepare a scroll for you this evening, so that you can discuss these with the council."

The King nodded absently, before gesturing for the next person to speak. However, the page, who had up until now been completely unobtrusive, said into the room hesitantly, "Sire, the Heroes decided on a boon before entering. They would like to ask a question of the dragon."

The King emailed silent for a moment, and then spoke. "Proceed." The page left the room at the flicker of fury that emblazoned the King's face, and the dragon turned its attention to the Heroes.

Emilia spoke, a clarion call of Divinity echoed within the voice, and scars lining her face despite her 25-year-old appearance. "We know from our Dragon masters that drgaons have a compulsion to hoard - whether it is gold, jewellery, property or knowledge; however, you don't appear to have a hoard at all. Our understanding is that this would drive a dragon to madness and destruction.

"So, given that you clearly exhibit no signs of madness, I would ask of you, lord - what is it that you hoard?"

Kzzintch blinked his left eye lazily at the Heroes. He swung his tail in mockery, as though trying to play the coquette. "Allow me to ask you a question in return - how many were injured in your assault?" The dragon's tail shifted and lazily swiped along the floor.

The Heroes looked to one another, perplexed. Emilia returned the gaze of the dragon, before saying, "Ae believ it to be, outside of those converted to Undeath, in the low double figures - all but two of those of the Lich's forces."

Magnificent, Kzzintch thought. Barely a scratch on them, and they kept casualties to a minimum. Something that our first encounter did not.

The King stood and patted the dragon's foreclaw, smiling at his oldest friend and counsel.

Emilia pressed on with her question. "Lord, I must press you for an answer - what is it that you hoard?"

Kzzintch smiled a toothy grin. "The last time I fought a Lich King, I was more interested in saving the world and dominating it for glory." He picked up Emilia, who squealed as she nearly lost her footing, before sliding into the palm of the paw. "So I began to collect people of quiet competence, something I appear to have an aptitude for.

"We here in this kingdom no longer need to summon Heroes from other lands and worlds, like Magistrix, Calloria and Sweinsghast. Because the kings and queens allow me to recruit for them."

The dragon appeared to glare at Emilia, who flinched; however, the mouth was filled with mirth as he returned her to the floor of the throne room.

"Does that answer your question?"


mischaracterised t1_iugx4p0 wrote

The lady strode forward, the armor clinking as her movements passed the amassed group.

"Right then. This is my demon friend, she is relatively harmless. Touch her and you face me. She wears her armband to represent the fact that she is *on. Our. Side." The voice was clipped, sharp and a jaunty alto that danced its way to the ears. "She has willingly volunteered for this role with the Church. It hurts her to be here as it is." The Lady walked over to a rack of wooden weapons, pulling out a set of four longswords, and began to strip put of her blessed armour with practiced ease.

The sitting trainees watched on mixed awe and amusement as the demon helped the Lady out of the armour and the skin on her fingers and hands sizzled, a blue-tinged mark imprinted.

With practiced ease, the Lady threw two blades to the demon, and both took up a Ready stance; the demon taking a low stance designed for a pouncing strategy; the Lady crossed the blades to her left side. "Princess Leiann, you will referee this bout. Everyone else, pay attention using your magical senses. The bout will start at the next chime."

The silence that descended over the room generated a thick tension, broken only by the Prince of Ravens calling out, "We need mud!" The Lady glared at the Prince, and his eyes of midnight blue looked away.

As the first chime rang from the Church Bell, the action began immediately - Jaguar's Pounce met Kissing Lovers which turned into Master Kneels; the demon, stymied, fell forwsrds to Lioness' Chase, a highly offensive form based on swipes, sweeps and double-feints. The Lady met with Eye of the Storm, and the students didn't need to wonder whether the Blademaster title had been earned, as the storm of movement and counterclaim was far faster than the students would have been able to keep up visually.

The clacking sound of swords was all that could be heard, and the battle finely balanced until the Lady came out of the storm of movement and blade work into Tapping the Fan as the demon misjudged the attack timing on Phoenix Rises. The thunk of contact with a skull signalled the end of the battle.

No more than 30 seconds had passed, and both participants were breathing heavily and sweating. The two combatants stood to attention, saluted the other participant, and the demon tossed back her blades for the Lady to place back on the weapons rack.

"Now, I need to get you ready for the upcoming attack, so you will need to leave how to read a one-on-one combat and how to defend yourself properly - I refuse to send some idiot who doesn't know their limits into combat to get killed. We have time to train you so that you can reasonably defend yourselves from most harm. But not to get you to close to my level unless you're already talented."

The Lady patted the demon on the shoulder, and picked up her armour. "We need a good long soak after that lesson." The Lady and the demon were stretching their legs as they left the combat hall together.

The students murmured, chatting to one another, as the Prince of Ravens scalled out loudly, "That was fire!"


mischaracterised t1_iu86byb wrote

As the portal devoured my body and soul, and transported it to new surroundings, I had just heard the news. Hell and Heaven were full, save for one soul.

I reincorporated in a small metal room, with a man wearing shredded clothes and lank autumnal hair streaking down to a grim frizz of a beard. He was bleeding from a pricked finger, runes and sigil adorning the walls.

He rasped at me. "Can you keep me company? This orbital station is so lonely." I swept my tail languidly, my aura penetrating even his bony form.

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

I stood to my full height, watching him smile, and feeling his despair as the hostile truth he was keeping from himself had sunk in. It was delicious.

I let my bladed legs bounce a few times before bounding over to him, and sat on the floor as he summoned the strength to crawl to me. I savoured his exquisite agony, knowing this would be the last time I would do so for a long time.

It took a long time for him to get to me, and I felt ecstatic the entire time. After an interminable amount of time (and the solaris moving a degree in the air) he rested his head on me, gasping at the exertion.

He rested his head on my lap, and I cradled him ,as he whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." getting weaker with each one. The taste was organically pleasurable, for I knew what was coming next.

He faded into unconsciousness, breathing slowing on my lap, and I tasted the light of life as it transmuted into cessation.

It took a few minutes before that blinding pleasure faded, and humanity itself breathed its last. I collected the remnants and opened a portal to the great scales, to be judged by the multiverse.


mischaracterised t1_itfl65x wrote

"Uhh, friendship and more, sir," I saluted the hulking demon that took up the hallway, having bent down to prevent ceiling holes.

"Hey, Lee, can you-" my date, Raquel, said, before stopping. I couldn't see her face, but as she spoke, the voice grew chill. "Dad, what the fuck have I told you about harassing my dates? This is the fifth time this year! I want to have some fun nd maybe make new friends, but you always ruin it! Now get the fuck out of my house."

The demon shrank and tried to speak, "But Princess, -"

Raquel growled, "NOW." and I swear the lights went out for a second. The demon slunk away, before dissolving into a pinprick and a pop at the door.

I waited a minute, and then chuckled. "He seems nice," I mused.

Raquel slumped onto the breakfast bar, gently pounding the table section. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" She swivelled towards me and leaned back on it, grimacing. "I actually like you, Lee, but now I think you'll just be scared off, like the rest of the assholes. FUCK!"

I smiled, and cupped her cheek, looking into her blue-grey eyes. "Hey, at least I only said 'friendship and more'. I could have told him about the condoms, lube and flare gun." She laughed, a witchy sense to it, and I shivered. I pulled her close, feeling her push herself a touch into me. "There we go, now let's put on a schlocky horror film and critique them amusingly. And hey, maybe we could do this again, complete with demonic shouting match."

/ / / / / /

That had been six months ago.

Raquel had no right being this normal, compared to her hyper-religious mother Susan and her overprotective demon father, Myxng'hrtk. He was a chill demon, well worth putting up with the occasional intrusion. We all spend one night a month watching demon-based shows, mostly to see Myx rant on about how poor demon representation is - they're very funny rants, and I need to record them sometime, if only for Raquel and I to listen to.