Dress up in the sharpest suit you have (steal one if you don't have one) and go to any nightclub. The gold digger chicks will be crawling all over you and your depression will melt into nothing.

How to handle white women at starbucks squealing at you when your owner pulls up to get you a puppuccino

Kate Upton's cans.

Rocket science. AI is just a scam. Look at how pathetic Siri is.

I blushed deeply and went into anaphylactic shock which ironically put them off. I think about that every night.

99 'cause that's how many problems I have

Blonde, beautiful and phat.

I'd cancel my life insurance. Screw them.

Herpes. Never go into a house when a woman giving out candies invites you no matter how phat she is.

Oh bro I was hanging outside a whole foods one day smoking when this chick comes up to me and asks to bum a ciggy. I give her one and light hers up and we start talking. Our conversation gets more and more flirty and she is aggressively running her fingers through her hair while also blushing. It got to breaking point and I took her to my car and we had the most mind blowing sex that even MGK and Megan Fox couldn't possibly even dream about. It was WILD. We are now married six years. Though the flames have died out a bit we still go at it like animals. We have special vibration absorption springs under our bed now because the entire neighborhood complained about the noise when we made love. It's crazy.

I get off work in the evening and go to the local sbarro where the dumpsters are located. I then fight a couple of raccoons and possums to get my share for the day and leave. My wife keeps screaming at me about the smell of my clothes and the weird stains but in this economy this is the best way to save money.

When you tap her butt in the morning she sics the pitbull on you.

A proponent of the MeToo movement.

With 7lbs of candy you would go into a deep diabetic coma and die. With 1lb candy a day, you would be going into diabetic comas everyday but wake up and regret your actions the next day.

Old people smell and groan when doing any physical activities. They are generous with pocket money which more than makes up for all their shortcomings though.

Drums yo! There is some flavor to it that I don't find anywhere else.

Whatever side of the wing it is, I love it when it I can dip it in sour cream. So tasty.

Weird. It could be anyone's feet. I ask for full body pics and zoom in on the feet so I know for sure who they belong to.

Influencer. Any white chick with an instagram account is an influencer today. The only thing they influence me to do is puke.

They are incredibly smart. I took care of a squirrel when I noticed it was abandoned by its mom. I poured my heart and soul into raising it and I find that the whole time its been assembling a heist crew planning to rob me. I kicked it out and threatened to set my cat on it if it ever came back again.

Gasoline. I once bought a tank of gasoline and made a spray system that would spray gasoline in my room like an air freshner but I inadvertently started a fiery blaze that took out twenty two homes in the neighborhood. The feds are investigating this as arson and they still think I've perished in the fire.