Since you're both practicing psychotherapists, maybe you can appreciate this trope:

Nobody sets out to become a therapist if they don't already have issues themselves that they are looking to gain insight into!

Even if you don't appreciate the trope, it doesn't just come out of nowhere. Several studies have shown that a large percentage of psychologists, for example, are indeed suffering from mental disorders themselves, and other studies have shown the importance of therapy for therapists.

I can kind of understand why you probably feel tempted to expect more from your girlfriend given your shared line of work, but no amount of studying the human psyche or practicing related subjects is going to render someone immune from personal trauma, poor communications skills and whatever else.

You're asking questions you basically already know the answer to in the hopes of a 'Hail Mary' because you love her and don't want to part ways with her, but you already know you can't possibly effectively meet the needs of someone who just isn't able to identify their needs or communicate them.

You're both too focused on competing with each other about who does the most and who has it the hardest to remember that you're both in this together. You both have it fucking hard, and that shared hardship isn't supposed to divide you; it's supposed to unite you.

When your wife sends you Instagram reels of mothers who hard it hard, she is most likely not tryingb to target you but simply to tell you how she feels. Is that a good, constructive way of communicating? No! But it's also not necessarily an attack on you, and if your wife communicates through Instagram reels, she might even find it funny and empathetic if you were to share a similar reel of a father struggling.

You obviously both have a lot of feelings at the moment, and you need to sit down and talk about them before either of you let your growing resentment get the better of you. When you do, don't focus so much on all the things you feel like you are each doing wrong. Instead, focus on what you need more of or what you need done differently.

It's absolutely a way to distract you from your feelings.

Again, I really don't believe your boyfriend is thinking of anyone in particular when he says "other women don't have an issue with it". It's just an excuse he throws out there to feel more justified in continuing his inappropriate behaviour. It's like when a man is called out for cat-calling and claims "none of the other women I yelled inappropriate things at ever complained to me about it".

Aside from the usual things you mention that you and your boyfriend are already on the same page about, I would suggest talking about the following just off the top of my head:

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• House guests rules

How much are each of you comfortable with having people over? How do you expect the other person to act and interact if only one of you has couple over, e.g. non-mutual friends? How will you deal with it if a family member from afar wants to visit or if a friend suddenly needs a place to crash?

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• General planning

What counts as shared plans? If your boyfriend says "I'm making us pasta for dinner tonight", do you then have dinner plans together or is it ok if you spontaneously go for drinks with a coworker after work instead? How do you each expect the other to check in regarding individual plans? How much notice is acceptable if you want to make or break plans?

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• Sleep pattern / sleep hygiene

Is one of you a night owl and the other not? Is one of you really fond of the snooze button and will wake the other one up every 10 minutes for an hour before getting out of bed? How do you each feel about electronics in the bed or in the bedroom as a whole?

To me, it sounds plainly like he is just not over his ex-girlfriend.

The fact that he calls you immature just for bringing it up and uses phrasing such as "other women don't have an issue with it" suggests that he is the one being immature here.

What "other women"? Why do these other women's feelings seemingly take precedence over yours, the person he is currently dating? And if you're the only woman in his whole vicinity to question his interactions with his ex-girlfriend, why isn't he dating one of those other women instead?

I'm not at all suggesting that he has any specific women in mind, but people who use this line of argument are usually people who are in the wrong and can't think of anything better to say. If it were me, I would think I deserve more than to be compared to a bunch of unspecified women who probably don't exist and whose opinions anyway have no relevance.

Edit: missing word