>My (24M) girlfriend (25F) of 6 months is having trouble accepting me having casual sex despite consent. What should I do? submitted by Snoo_88809

>I work as a stock broker, highly stressful job, and one of the ways I relieve my stress, that i feel works best for me, is casual sex. Especially since I try to avoid drinking alcohol as much as possible.

>Now, about 6 months back, I met this incredible woman at a party and as we got to talking we somehow clicked. Like telepathic communication clicked, if you know what I mean. Anyway we exchanged numbers, and after a couple weeks of texting back and forth, I think the attraction we both felt for each other increased even further as we got to know each other. I could talk to her about anything. We soon started dating.

>It was on the 5th or 6th date, I remember setting up a dinner date at my apartment, hoping one thing would lead to another. She arrived as ravishing as ever. I cooked. She watched me she found a man who could cook incredibly sexy (I chose to take that as consent). Anyway, we had an enjoyable dinner followed by a late night movie, we even made out a little. But as things started to heat up, she paused the movie, looked me seriously in the eye and said that she's not ready to take that last step yet. Now, remember I haven't had any sex since I met her. I was like fine, if you're not ready, you're not ready (gently ofc), and told her to take her time and there was no rush.

>Fast forward 5 months and she says she's still not ready. Now I have tried to be as patient as I can with her, but with my stress piling up, I was getting kind of irritable and it was affecting my job as well, so I decided to finally confront her about it. I asked what's really going on, is there something that's bothering her and what not. But for the first time, I felt she wasn't being completely honest with me. She said her first time was really bad and she's suffering from the trauma, and while that felt like it was the truth, I knew there was something more to it.

>But seeing how uncomfortable she was getting about the topic I decided to let it be for the time being and told her about my difficulties and my lifestyle before I met her. She said she was sorry, she had no idea she was causing me stress. And I was surprised when she brought up the idea of me getting back to having casual sex, just as long as it's strictly physical, and I told her about it after, whenever it happened. I was startled at how comfortable she seemed at the idea.

>Turns out she wasn't, it's been a couple weeks since then and I hooked up a couple times and, as she requested, told her about it. But I'm starting to notice she's been getting a bit more distant and less intimate lately. It's nowhere near that I think she's not interested in this relationship anymore but not as much as before I started hooking up.

>Now, I want to really make this relationship work but I have absolutely no idea how. I realise my job may be a problem, but I'm still hesitant on quitting over a relationship. Any advice is appreciated. I'd really like to know what's going on with her without making her uncomfortable.

She is not ready for sexual intimacy with you. That's fine, she's allowed. You get to decide if you want to wait or not.

You want to keep having sex with other people. That's fine, you're allowed. She gets to decide if she's OK with it or not.

Not sure what your job has to do with any of this - or how "having casual sex" is going to work for you as a stress relief mechanism if/when you get into an exclusive relationship.

>It was on the 5th or 6th date, I remember setting up a dinner date at my apartment, hoping one thing would lead to another. She arrived as ravishing as ever. I cooked. She watched me she found a man who could cook incredibly sexy (I chose to take that as consent). Anyway, we had an enjoyable dinner followed by a late night movie, we even made out a little. But as things started to heat up, she paused the movie, looked me seriously in the eye and said that she's not ready to take that last step yet.

I'm not sure you understand consent - calling someone's cooking ability sexy is not even remotely consent for PIV intercourse or anything else.

Here's some reading for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent

>It bothers her when I don’t look after things the way she looks after things, and it bothers me that she doesn’t live a chill life and want to bicker about these tiny things like not using a coaster, being too loud unintentionally, or not putting things back to where they belong.

Not sure what "being too loud unintentionally" has to do with the rest of this, Upset-Rooster-1655, but none of this seems unreasonable to me. (Use the coaster! Pick up after yourself and put things where they belong!)

>I want to care about her house like it’s mine, I don’t honestly know how to stop being clumsy, how to put the oven gloves in right particular positions, not to leave a bread crumb ever on the floor, or be always sophisticated basically.

What does "being clumsy" mean in this context? (Or "be always sophisticated", for that matter?) And how does it relate to sweeping the kitchen floor more often?

>I want to make this relationship work and go back to the fun mode.

Does "fun mode" mean no responsibility for the maintenance of your shared living space?

What do you think might help "make this relationship work" and is it showing respect for her house and belongings and cleaning up after yourself?

>I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I don’t know how to fix this (26F)(26M) submitted by ThrowRAJnphr

>My ex and I stayed together for 11 years and I broke up with him 4 months ago. Nothing wrong with him, he’s absolutely amazing, but we started dating when we were too young, he was already talking about marriage, and we had never experienced being with anyone else other than each other. I love him a lot, but I needed to make sure I wouldn’t feel like missing out if we get married. We still see each other often, we have the same friends group, but things are awkward between us now since the break up.

>I recently started casually seeing someone else, and all my friends told me my ex was really hurt when he heard about it, they say he spent the whole week crying. Turns out the guy I was seeing was a huge *sshole for many reasons, and I don’t need to date anyone else to know I made possibly the biggest mistake of my life.

>I really want to get back with my ex, but he’s avoiding me. As far as I know, he hasn’t even tried to date anyone else yet, but I don’t know if he would get back with me. To make things worse, the guy I was seeing made sure to tell my ex every detail of what we did, just to hurt him. He sent him some really disgusting and disrespectful text messages saying that he f* me (his words), and it only gets worse. I know about the text messages because a mutual close friends of ours told me and showed me the screenshots.

>I don’t know how to fix the mess I made, I really don’t know what to say or where to start.

The only way to know if he wants to get back together is to ask him.

I caution you against it, though. If you felt like talking marriage at age 26 after 11 years together was too soon and wanted to be with other people, then that hasn't changed just because you dated someone who turned out to be an asshole.

>We're together 5 years, married 1 year. I know I married a massive grump but with a kid on the way, I'm afraid he can't pull himself out of it on his own.

What you describe is way beyond someone being grumpy. And it isn't something you can fix.

He "felt slighted" waiting in line at a bar and "threw nasty slurs" under his breath, which they heard??

And "Everyone's an idiot out to get him"?????

I do not think books on stoicism are the answer.

>There are no therapy spots where we live and no online counseling.

Why is online counselling not an option?

ETA: In a comment you say you live in a "huge city" - there are no therapists there? (Or do you live in a place where therapy is not common?) In any case, online therapy is available from all over the world.

Has the brother indicated at all that HE is interested in being close friends with you?

If you get along with her siblings (and they aren't assholes) that's more than enough for most people.

The argument with your boyfriend is hugely insignificant in relation to the mental health struggles you are going through. I hope you have medical support for what I am guessing involves PTSD and/or C-PTSD, and I hope you have a therapist who can help you process everything you have survived and continue to survive. He can't be your therapist or your doctor, and, you're right, he hasn't experienced it and can't truly understand it.

You are not your mother's therapist - that is not a reasonable ask or expectation. You are allowed to say no.

https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/07/240-my-parents-hate-my-partner-what-do-i-do/

She was totally out of line to say negative stuff to you about your boyfriend.