stillnotking
stillnotking t1_iyf50ig wrote
Reply to A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony by Arkvoodle42
I got in a fender-bender the other day, and when the other driver got out, I saw he was a dwarf. "I'm not happy," he growled.
"Oh? Which one are you, then?"
stillnotking t1_iyexljm wrote
Reply to A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.” by kenhutson
Sounds like an Arrested Development joke.
"Where's my wife?"
"I'm sorry, she didn't make it."
"What?!"
"I'm sure she'll catch the next elevator."
stillnotking t1_iyex1fd wrote
Reply to Kanye West is to buy a pub in England by Boydasaurus10
They only serve alcohol; they don't serve juice.
stillnotking t1_iyebphx wrote
Reply to comment by Nussinsgesicht in Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland? by hermit_tortoise
"Disnae [doesn't] land", in Scottish dialect.
stillnotking t1_iye9ubk wrote
Reply to With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind. by bitey87
"Today I feel Qatari. Today I feel Arabic. Today I feel African. Today I feel gay. Today I feel disabled. Today I feel [like] a migrant worker." - Gianni Infantino, FIFA president
(sometimes the jokes make their way into real life)
stillnotking t1_iye767w wrote
Reply to What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? by _dantastic
What do you call a Mexican who doesn't like women?
Don Juan Ojo
stillnotking t1_iydynxk wrote
That technically makes it not a tapestry, either.
stillnotking t1_iy4bzh9 wrote
That's nothing. I paid $200 just to see a woman dressed like a nurse.
stillnotking t1_iy1c75w wrote
Weird coincidence. I have a pet tarantula named Woody Eatclint.
stillnotking t1_ixy9363 wrote
Reply to comment by Armor_of_Thorns in Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom… by SRosenberg1088
All right, look, I'll make one up for you.
Q: Why do beavers dam?
A: Those teeth make it hard to say "fuck".
There. Happy?
stillnotking t1_ixxhv6l wrote
I said, "Okay, so what does that make you?"
stillnotking t1_ixwx9ug wrote
I snorted a little.
stillnotking t1_ixwf42b wrote
Reply to I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability by ihavethebestmarriage
Jesus, man, don't make fun of other people's crippling insecurities.
stillnotking t1_ixugt5c wrote
Reply to I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage. by RibaldPancake
True story: I once went to the zoo with my little seven-year-old cousin and her family. She was a very quiet, introverted kid, and my uncle said she watched a lot of nature shows, so she had kind of a blasé attitude toward most of the animals. Then we came to the okapi, and she was fascinated. She stared and stared at that thing. Finally I asked her what she thought was so interesting about it. She looked at me and said, in tones of extreme gravity, "It's half zebra and half itself."
stillnotking t1_ixt11uy wrote
Reply to What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line? by RISELiftingOthers
I've really got to give my mom credit for not quitting. She's been out looking for a pack of cigarettes for fifteen years, and she must not have given up yet.
stillnotking t1_ixrab3p wrote
And if we colonize Mars, it'll be even worse. :(
stillnotking t1_ixq954p wrote
Of course! Where do you think all that oil came from?
stillnotking t1_ixn8ffd wrote
Reply to comment by [deleted] in A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery by shija02
Anyone who copy-pastes to /r/jokes to farm karma is entirely beyond embarrassment (not to mention very stupid, since there are way easier methods), but I applaud the effort.
stillnotking t1_ixjg76g wrote
Reply to I have a blind date tonight. by Flodo_McFloodiloo
What should you always bring to a blind date?
A treat for her dog.
stillnotking t1_ixjfw6p wrote
Reply to comment by edlee98765 in An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel... by yapmadiyorum
Ironically, he was beaten by a fearless teen.
stillnotking t1_ixiarwj wrote
Judas: "Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?"
Jesus: "The what?"
Judas: "I mean the supper, are you coming to the supper?"
stillnotking t1_ix6evi6 wrote
Reply to I asked Siri why I'm still single... by UnrealGaming9
I said "Siri, what would you do if you were me?"
I didn't even know iPhones had a self-destruct.
stillnotking t1_iwh68dh wrote
The Millennium Falcon is a she, but you better not assume the Millennial Falcon's pronouns.
stillnotking t1_iu1yhj1 wrote
Reply to comment by Siders1987 in A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in. by EndersGame_Reviewer
Sort of, but the jobs weren't make-work. The CCC did actually useful things like build flood-control ponds. One of them is down the hill from my house.
It's just that no one would have paid them to do the work, if the government hadn't.
stillnotking t1_j2a2tp2 wrote
Reply to The next election may require by YZXFILE
1989 America: Bring democracy to China!
2003 America: Bring democracy to Iraq!
2023 America: Bring democracy!