Do you have enough savings to cover you the rest of the time in school or will you have to get loans? What are your expenses now? I would say a good starting point is that moving in shouldn't cost you more than you're paying now (until you graduate and get a full time job) - so that means bf either needs to accept your budget and move into a place you can afford OR he needs to pick up anything above and beyond your budget. Unless you guys can agree on a place that would be cheaper for you - which would be great.

So say you currently are sharing an apartment and you pay $500 for rent and $100 that covers the utilities and you spend around $250 on groceries. If your bf is fine with finding a place that's $1000 total that similarly sized so utilities will be around the same and he spends similar on groceries - great! It's reasonable to split it 50/50 if it means your expenses don't go up.

Now if your bf won't agree to any place that's less than $2000 and is twice as big so utilities will be more and he insists on lobster and wagyu once a week - then he needs to pick up the extra above your budget. So you still pay $500 and he'll be paying $1500 for the apartment.

If you're currently living alone and you're looking only at one bedroom then it'd be reasonable to not want to pay as much as you are now to share the space with another human. Harder to come up with an easy number to select from that though. I'd say between 50-75% of what you are paying now as your max would be fair - depending on if that 75% gives you a better/bigger place or not.

So part of it is to give you insight. Because she's coming at it from you just don't know. Which is fair, you don't, but it's hard to have a productive conversation if it's you saying "it can't be that hard stop sending me stuff saying that" and her saying "it is hard stop telling me it isn't and that I need to be feeling lucky and grateful!" You're both kinda stuck on your side, but by doing this you can walk her side and at least come at it from "hey I know what you're doing, I lived it! Can we now come together and figure out how to handle what we're both feeling together?"

Plus besides this hopefully giving her the feeling of you trying to see her side and get what she's feeling and saying - it also gets her out and gives her a break. Gets her from being stuck in mom mode. Hopefully gives her back a little of herself (especially since you said she's not taking time for herself even with all her help). And also hopefully refreshes her so she can come back to the table with some fresh eyes.

So I was thinking of it as a dual purpose. It gives you insight into what she's actually going through, it gives her a break, hopefully it lets you both reset from your trenches, and then both be able to work together.

Take a week off work. Tell your wife to go visit family or something. Watch the kids like she does. Maybe at the end of the week you'll have a lot more insight into what she goes through. Maybe at the end of the week you'll really have some stuff to point out how you're doing a fairer division of labor.

I honestly say EVERY partner of a SAHP needs to do this frequently. Most adults know what it's like to work every day, not all of them know what it is to be a SAHP. It's a lot easier to have a productive conversation when you literally know what the other side is like. Instead of saying "You're lucky to not work 9-5!!!" completely ignoring you said you work 12 hour days so that's a 9-9 job she's doing at home and a 24 hour one when you travel.

You're working 12 hour days when you're not traveling. Yes she has help, but it sounds like a lot of the time she's on her own. A nanny 3x a week helps, as does preschool, and parents, but if you're traveling for the entire week that's still A LOT of childcare on her own. A lot.

Not to say that you're not doing anything, but damn being a mom is hard no matter how lucky you are. And it seems like you're just not acknowledging at all that it is hard even with help.

Better than shit still doesn’t always mean good.

If he refuses to let you go to college, enroll in online classes you can do at home while the kid is at school. This will eventually blow up, try and prepare for that.

Oh and,please use birth control.

Bangnanny actually.

Wonder if he got divorced for banging the last nanny.

So that’s a no then. So you’re living with the guy, working for him, and all you’re getting is room, board, and some dick.

You know live in nanny’s get a salary on top of room and board, right? He’s getting a great deal, you are not. And it’ll be even worse after a few years when he either no long needs a nanny or finds his next teenager. Then you’ll be without any money, no place to live, and no education.

You also realize he doesn’t want you to go to school because then his free nanny isn’t available when he needs her.

Is he still paying you to watch his daughter?

Have the boundaries been tested? Push back from her parents? I think when that happens that might be enlightening.

Families don’t always have to merge, but that won’t be possible unless your gf is ok keeping them at arms length.

Well especially with more info it seems like OP gets the sahm struggles and is doing what he can to give her alone time, but she’s saying it’s not enough while also not reciprocating at all. The whole one persons need is another want and hard to determine a baseline of which is more important without knowing what we’re talking about.

I just wasn’t sure whether her needs were just 30 minutes alone to talk to a friend vs his need to be in the garage for half a day - which in that case the needs aren’t equal. But it seems like it’s the reverse - she’s getting a higher level of needs accommodated than him. Asking for a 5th candy bar stating she needs it when he’s just asking for one candy bar.

Oh yea, her saying your needs don’t matter is not cool especially since you’re trying while she isn’t reciprocating. It was just unclear from your original post if either of you were getting your own time. And it sounds like she’s getting time, but you’re not. What did she reply when you pointed out that she went to coffee and worked in her studio for most of the day? It seems like something is off if she’s saying she’s not having any time to herself when she literally got hours that day by herself. Would she do something similar before the baby? Like you spend most of the day with her, but then she argues that you never spend time with her? Or is it something new since having the baby? Trying to figure out if her less firm grasp of reality is a long term thing and just wasn’t as big of an issue pre baby or if it’s something that started from the baby.

Make sure to read your employers fees. Mine charges for the rollovers, so I do mine once a year. It sucks, but still cheaper than their monthly fee to invest.

Ask your gf her thoughts. Bring up that your sister will be in your life and you won’t cut her out for bigots. How does she see the future going?

Ok first off you don’t work every second of your 830-5 job, correct? You get breaks, yes? The ability to step away from the computer, read the news, check your phone, text while doing zero work. Your wife doesn’t get that. The closest she gets is when your kid naps, but if she’s supposed to clean or cook during that time it’s not a break, correct? And while she likely checks her phone during the day she still has to keep an eye on her job (the 1 year old) because it won’t stay still until she’s done. So you need to realize that your wife is getting no breaks during that time if you’re not using your breaks to give her one.

Also, do not underestimate the power of being able to have an adult conversation throughout the day. Is it the same as hanging with your friends? No, but it’s still adult human interaction and every job I’ve had there’s at least some non work banter going in almost every meeting. Your wife gets none of that - she’s trying to figure out what someone who can’t fully talks wants all day - she doesn’t get full complete sentences until she interacts with you.

So yes you are getting two vital things at work that she’s not getting with your child - real conversation and actual breaks. The only way she can get it is when you take over for the kid 100% for a block of time or you guys pay for a babysitter.

Now, I’m not here saying you need to tough it out, but you need to realize and accept there’s a fundamental difference between what you get at your job vs what she gets at hers.

Are you giving her the equivalent of several hours alone in the garage and she’s not reciprocating? When did she last have several hours to herself that wasn’t sleep or running errands?

The plan may let you roll over post tax to Roth IRA. I screwed up and had some money in post, but called and my plan lets me roll it over even though I’m still employed. Took less than 10 minutes on the phone.

So an option, similar to what I did, is to just throw your money in the target date funds. They’re designed for people without knowledge and set it and forget it financing. Then do some reading, ask some questions, research the other funds, decide if you want to change it. I might have missed out a little in that approach, but I also wasn’t freaking out on fluctuations worrying whether I or the first place I went to get advice was right.

Your only option would be if your break the lease cost would be cheaper overall for you. It’s about 5000 in savings so if you break the lease penalty is like 3000 then it would save you money overall so you’d have leverage. But if the break the lease is 6000 the. You have no leverage.

So you're focusing a lot about the wedding and mourning that -- my question would be what steps is he willing to take sans marriage to make sure you both are protected and looked after legally?

Without marriage you won't be next of kin (and visa versa) meaning

You might not be able to visit each other in the hospital

You won't be able to find out medical information by default

You won't be able to make any medical decisions

You won't inherit his belongs upon his death

You won't be the default beneficiary of life insurance, retirement accounts, or any other financial accounts

Depending on how you set up other financial decisions one of you may be put at a disadvantage that wouldn't be rectified through a divorce if you break up. This would most easily happen if you decide to have kids together, but could happen otherwise.

And a whole lot of other stuff the a marriage license easily grants you that you'd be without. That you would need a lot of documents in order to cover.

A good rule of thumb is to use the fed reimbursement rate on mileage for costs, but that doesn’t always work. But at least see what your income is after that. I don’t believe it includes paying for the car so subtract payments and see where you are.

At my company the HSA eligible plan is the only one that has out of network coverage. There’s a new plan that the math says is a lot cheaper after 7 years on the HSA so I’m crossing my fingers.

Is what the doctor charges mean what insurance pays? Usually it’s what the dr charges, what insurance allows, and what you owe.

With such a small premium difference it’s harder to find a positive, but the tax savings are nothing to sneeze at if you can max it.

I mean, sometimes. It’s not always the case.

Guaranteed for how long? Because I've had their HYSA for years and while it's up there now, there were years it was only getting half a percent.

So googled this (use Ally but haven't looked into it). Right off the bat it has 30% of your money in cash just earning interest. I would think for most people that's too much cash, unless you account for that appropriately.

Edit: Scrolled down, I guess there's a 2% in cash option, but that has a small fee.

I would be looking for another trigger to pull. A car is a depreciating asset. I would not be spending 25% of my income on it.

The biggest downside is the restrictions. If you have to hold it for a certain time it's a larger risk then if you can sell it immediately.

Also if there's any costs. Pretty much every brokerage has 0 fees for buying stock, but my ESPP has a selling fee even though it's with a firm that otherwise is 0 fees. So it cuts a bit into the upside and only make sense if I'm getting enough to offset the fee.