Alright so what you need is a fog machine and a scary cat mask. Just Google that term and choose the most uncanny one. Get some smart lightbulbs throughout the house and a smart outlet to plug the fog machine into. Program a routine through your smart speaker so that when you trigger it the fog machines will switch on and begin fogging the hallways outside your bedroom door. Three minutes later you want all the light ls to come on while set to blood red and the smart speakers are blasting Crazy Train by Ozzy Osborne at full volume. You open the bedroom door wearing the cat mask and walking on all fours. Then lunge and chase the cats away from the bedroom.

You should only need to do this exactly one time.

Your cats may never interact with you again though.

Way way worse is if that toilet splits while you’re on it and a razor sharp piece of porcelain cuts you to the femur as you fall. I saw a NSFW picture where that happened to someone once and it’s been a fear ever since.